i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
