It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
