Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
