You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
