Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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