proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
