hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
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I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
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I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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