I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
