i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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