Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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