The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
