Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
