Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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