i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
