I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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