that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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