So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
