i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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