my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
