Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
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I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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