You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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