Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
