what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
