Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
