Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
