God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We are two peas in an std pod
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
