how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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