My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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