theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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