everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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