i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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