An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
