so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
