Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
