Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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