Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
