im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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