People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
