Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
