Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He felt like a one man threesome
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Randomize
