I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
