I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
