What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
