Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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