We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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