Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
