You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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