Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
