We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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