Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
