the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
