I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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