I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just threw up on my dentist
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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