I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
