I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's shark week go big or go home
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
