I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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