getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
