It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
