I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
