omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
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My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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