Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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