How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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